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53 Life Lessons From Homer Simpson

by Steve Scott | Join Him On Facebook

Forget Dr. Phil. Screw Tony Robbins. And don’t listen to Oprah.

The smartest person out there is Homer Simpson. After 20 years, this self-help guru is still going strong with his words of wisdom.

Don’t believe me?

Well, check out Homer’s 53 lessons about improving your life:

On Personal Development…

#1- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

#2- Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

#3- All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

#4- If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.

#5- If at first you don’t succeed, give up.

#6- Trying is the first step to failure.

#7- No matter how good you are at something, there’s always about a million people better than you.

#8- Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

#9-Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?

#10- Son, this is the only time I’m ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.

#11- It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

#12- Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

On Advancing Your Career…

#13- I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

#14- If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

#15- I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

#16- You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

#17- Asleep at the switch? I wasn’t asleep, I was drunk.

#18- A job’s a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

#19- Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

On Family Values…

#20- Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

#21- Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

#22- [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

#23- Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

#24- Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

#25- Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

#26- Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

#27- The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else …

#28-Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

#29- Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

On Love…

#30- You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

#31- Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

#32- What is a wedding? Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as “The process of removing weeds from one’s garden.”

#33- Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.’

On Finance…

#34- Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure… not even close.

#35- All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

60 cents!?! I could’ve made more money if I had gone to work.

On Philosophy and Religion…

#36- I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

#37- What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

#38- Stupid risks make life worth living.

#39- Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

On Intellectual Pursuits….

#40- I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off

#41- When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

#42- How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

#43- I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t … I mean s-m-A-r-t

#44- Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

#45- Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!

#46- I bet Einstein turned himself into all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb

On Civic Responsibility…

#47- Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

#48- We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?

#49- You’re not the only one that can abuse a non-profit organization!

On the Important Things in Life…

#50- Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”

#51- I’m gonna drink lots of beer and stay out all night.

#52- Alright Brain, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you. But let’s just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

#53- I’m hittin’ the road. Maybe I’ll drop you a line some day from wherever I wind up in this crazy old world.

Take Action. Get Results.



{ 11 comments }

Justin Matthews

I spent half the week with Homer in my head saying “mmmm (insert thing here, kettlebell laundry soap, vaccuum, computer etc). Is there anything they (it) can’t do?”
Great post, lots of memories from the show.
Thanks for the smile
Justin

Heather

Haha, some classic ones in there Steve

Steve Scott

@Justin- Love Homer. I can’t look at cheese now without thinking: “Mmmm. 64 Slices of American Cheese. ” Glad you enjoy my silly little post.

@Heather- Thanks once again for the comments. Hope you liked them.

Neil Macdonald

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the laugh. I have to add my favorite Homer .

Marge ” Homer call 911″..

Homer “Whats the number”

Marge “911”

Homer ” Dohhhh ”

Neil

Steve Scott

Haha…love that one too!

Fitness Philippines

Great post, Steve. I love the Simpsons!
.-= Fitness Philippines´s last blog ..Diet and Nutrition Tip 4: 5 Tips to Beat Cravings =-.

Karen

The Simpsons are my all-time favourite TV show. Hands down. They have some amazing writers. It seems like such a kids show until you actually listen to the words and messages of the show.

Homer rules!
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Happy Canada Day- =-.

Garry Edwards

This has to be one of the best blogs I came across in awhile. Seeing that The Simpsons is my favorite show in history for multiple reasons. I especially like how you broke Homer lessons into different categories. Great idea and great blog, keep up the good work my friend.

Steve Scott

Glad you liked it! Thanks for the comments!

Ross Simmonds

Hilarious post Scott! – Had me in stitches from the very first lesson.

It would be interesting to see what we could learn from Bart. I think he’d be a lot different from his Old man.. Glad I came across your site – Looking forward to your content!

Steve Scott

This post is certainly one of my popular. I may well have to do a bart update at some point!

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