You’re going to be really busy today.
Some people strive to make each day count. You’re a little different. In fact, your goal is to make today the worst day ever. Good thing you have 29 ways to make this happen.
You’ve got a lot of work to do, so let’s get started….
#1- Drink Heavily the Night Before– Don’t listen to what others say about getting a full night’s sleep. You know nothing starts the day better than a skull-splitting hang over. Bonus points if you wake up feeling like you have to vomit.
#2- Sleep Late- Hey, you’re really hung over. So a good idea is to sleep in a little and get a late start to the day. One o’clock in the afternoon should do the trick.
#3- Remember that Life Sucks- As you rise out of bed spend a moment reflecting that there’s nothing good about life. By now you’ll probably realize that you won’t accomplish a damn thing. This will be the highlight of your day.
#4-Turn on the TV- Time for your daily inspiration. Go flip on the T.V. and watch something highly educational. Maybe something from the Cartoon Network?
#5- Eat a Hearty Breakfast- While watching T.V., it’s important to eat a hearty breakfast (or lunch by now.) Remember, your mood is controlled by what you put in your body. So make sure you’re loading up on greasy, processed foods. Yum!
#6- Mirror Time- You once heard about the power of affirmations. That means it’s important to set aside some time to look into a mirror and recite these statements. Be sure to tell yourself that you suck and can’t provide any real value to the world.
#7-Make Your To-Do List- You need a to-do list to keep track of the busy day ahead of you. Be sure to include the really important things. Like that trip to the electronics store to pick up a new video game.
#8-Forget the Shower and the Tooth Brush- You scoff at the notion that cleanliness is next to godliness. That means no shower today. And don’t worry about brushing your teeth. Who is going to notice anyway?
#9-Drive Dangerously- You’re a busy guy with lots to do. So be sure to get behind the wheel and demonstrate some good old fashion road rage.
Drive really fast. Blare your horn. Cut off that 90 year old grandmother—and take the time to flip her ‘the finger.’
#10- Scowl at Everyone- Remember, life sucks. Why pretend otherwise? As you move throughout the day, give people the best scowl you can muster. Let them really know how much you hate them.
#11-Don’t Forget Those Closest to You- Remember certain people are counting on you. Be sure to ignore their calls. If that special someone approaches you with a personal problem, make sure to point out what they did wrong.
#12- Go to Your Job- Spend a few hours at your job. Make sure it’s something you really hate and provides zero self-fulfillment. Always complain about it, but do nothing to fix the situation.
#13- Overreact to Everything- Why save your anger just for driving? Overreact to every little incident. You’re an angry person so this should be an easy one.
#14- Focus on Productivity- Waste your time doing unfulfilling activities. Do them slowly and make sure they don’t provide any real value.
#15-Remain Negative- It’s hard work being negative all the time. Take a few minutes during the middle of the day to remember that life sucks. Don’t worry it’s probably your parent’s fault that you’re this way.
#16-Act Like a Child- Sometimes you’re not going to get what you want. The best way to fix this is to act like a spoiled child. Bonus points if you can scream and throw a temper tantrum.
#17-Blame Others- It’s never your fault. If a mistake is made, be sure to point the finger at someone else. Make sure to tell everyone how you could have done a better job.
#18-Good Enough is Good Enough- Always do a half-assed job. The bare minimum is acceptable in every situation. Your time is too valuable to take pride in your work.
#19-Disregard Advice- You might encounter a few of those annoying “good-doers” who want to help improve your life. Be sure to completely ignore them. Remind yourself that they probably got lucky and didn’t have to work hard for their success.
#20- Be Rude to Others- There’s nothing more unbearable than being around happy people. So it’s important to say rude and sarcastic comments to those around you. Make these comments really hurt.
#21-Maintain Your Nutrition- At end of the day, you might experience a crash in your energy levels. That means it’s time to boost your energy. Include a healthy balance of caffeine, sugar, and heavy carbs. Since you need lots of water, grab a few Cokes while you’re at it.
#22-Skip the Exercise- Don’t worry about exercising–you’ve had an exhausting day. Maybe you’ll do it tomorrow. Or even next week.
#23-Remember Your Social Circle- Another thing you once heard is that “you’re the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with.” This means it’s important to hang out with other miserable people. Maybe you guys can grab a few drinks and complain about life?
#24- Procrastinate- As the day is winding down, think of all the things you want to in life. Dream big, but procrastinate with getting started. You know you’ll probably fail. So why bother?
#25- Enjoy Your Hobby- Since your day is almost done, it’s time for your favorite hobbies.
What’s it going to be… Video games? Porn? TV? Surfing the Internet?
Sometimes it’s hard to make decisions about the important things in life.
#26- Stay up Late- Tomorrow is another busy day. So be sure to stay up as late as possible.
#27- Worry About Tomorrow when It’s Tomorrow- Don’t worry about making a list or planning the next day. You’ll probably wake up early and seize the day.
#28-Watch the News- Before going to bed, flip on the TV and watch your favorite news program. Pick one that has a violent and depressing subject matter.
#29- Cry Yourself to Sleep- While falling asleep, reflect on your day. Get really depressed about how nothing seems to go right. Just remember…it’s not your fault.Take Action. Get Results.