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How to Lose a Girl in 14 Months

by Steve Scott | Join Him On Facebook

This post has been sitting in rough draft form for a few weeks. To be honest, I wasn’t really sure if I would ever have ‘The Cajones’ to let anyone see it. I know that once I press that magical publish button, my private affairs will be aired for everyone to see.

At the end of the day, I’ve come to realize that this site is about personal growth. And if I’m afraid to be honest about everything in my life then I’m just another phony person. To grow as an individual you sometimes the times when you screw-up.

Also I’m a little nervous because some of things that I’m about to discuss won’t make me a very ‘likeable’ person. But I’m willing to risk not being liked in order to connect with the people who’ll resonate with this message.

Okay with that preamble out of the way, let me talk about something that’s had a huge impact on my life during the last few months…

The End of a Relationship

During the past few weeks I’ve made a few references to the end of my 14 month relationship with a girl— to protect the innocent we’ll call her Ms X.

Now I’ve gone through a few break-ups before (even a divorce), but for some reason this one has been the hardest to overcome.

In order to be fair to Ms. X, I won’t go into the details of what happened. Suffice to say, we had the very definition of what you would call a toxic relationship.

What’s funny thing about this whole thing is we both recognized that the other person was completely miserable.

Unfortunately we kept coming back to each another like a heroin addict looking for that ‘last fix.’

During the last month and a half, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I ended up in such a shitty relationship. At the end of the day, I’ve come to the conclusion that it was because of specific decisions that I either made or allowed to happen.

They say that 90% of your happiness in life comes from your choice of a romantic partner. You pick the right one and your life is great. On the other hand, the wrong choice can bring you a lot of misery.

So if I’m completely honest with myself I have to admit that I’ve been incredibly miserable for the last year.

With that said, I truly believe that often the worst situations can provide the most important lessons in life. And as I sit here reflecting on what happened during the last year, I’ve come to realize that I’ve grown a lot because of this failed relationship.

Here a few lessons I’ve learned:

Lesson #1- Be Careful What You Ask For…

“Be careful what you ask for because it just might come true.”

For most of my life, I’ve always dated the highly intelligent, bookish type of girl.

So about a year and half ago, I decided to start dating girls with more ‘passion.’

With Ms. X, I had lots of passion. I also got a ton of not-so-nice qualities related to passion.

For over a year, I could never predict what would happen next. At first this was a very intoxicating feeling. But after awhile it brought a lot of negative experiences into my life.

I still feel that passion is important for a relationship. But it should be coupled with other positive traits. Like intelligence, reliability, temperance, and honesty.

In my opinion, the perfect romantic partner should engage you on a number of levels. You should be mentally and physically attracted to this person. And most importantly, this person needs to be someone you can completely respect.

Lesson #2- Love Isn’t Everything…

Right now, I can honestly say that I’m still in love with Ms. X and I’m sure she feels the same way about me.

The problem with love is it’s not enough to make a relationship work. I spent the last 14 months with the mindset that “love conquers all.” The problem is we allowed love to keep us in a relationship that should have ended a long time ago.

I can thank The Beatles for teaching me the misguided notion that ‘All You Need Is Love.’ You can’t build a relationship with just love—Especially if you fundamentally disagree with the other person’s actions.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling. But there’s also business aspect to a relationship…like a partnership. At the end of the day, you have to be able to rely on this person. If you can’t completely trust this person, then love doesn’t matter.

Lesson #3- Admit Your Mistakes, Then Move On…

Too many people spend their lives looking in the rear-view mirror. They allow past hurts and mistakes to impact their future. Even worse… they play the blame game where they spend all their time talking about how their life sucks because of an ex.

To grow as an individual it’s important to reflect on your past. Often this means admitting your mistakes—to the other person and to yourself.

As I look back on the last 14 months, I have to be honest and say I screwed up a bunch of times. I could point my finger at Ms. X and say everything was her fault. But the truth is there were a lot of mistakes that I made.

The lesson here is to admit your mistakes then move on.

I’ve apologized to her for everything that I did wrong. And to give her credit, she’s admitted her mistakes.

But once you get past the apologies it’s important to focus on your future. Sure there’s going to be some lingering pain, but you need to move on.

Come clean with your mistakes, learn the lesson, and then focus on the next phase of your life.

Lesson #4- Short Term Pain Is Good…

I won’t lie and say that I’m completely happy. In fact, I go through days where’s it a struggle to not pick up the phone and try to patch things up.

What gets me through each day is I’m completely sure that I’m making the right decision.

Sometimes you have to be willing to go through the crappy times in order to get to the really good stuff.

I know deep down this relationship will never work. So this gives me the motivation to move on and see what else life has to offer.

Lesson #5- Refocus Your Life…

No matter what, I feel like I gave my heart and soul to this relationship. Unfortunately things didn’t work out the way I planned.

The problem with a failed relationship is it leaves a void in your life. And to fill this vacuum, many people do self-destructive things like drink heavily, have lots of casual sex, and generally wallow in self-pity. All of these are actions that I’m going to avoid.

In a way, I feel this experience has made me recognize all the opportunities that I’ve been missing. As a result, I’ve now refocused my attention elsewhere. For instance, I’ve done a number of things in the last few months:

  • Created this website which will be my online business for the next few years
  • Reconnected with old friends that I’ve lost touch with
  • Made a commitment to spend more time with my family
  • Planned two trips which should be amazing experiences

Notice I didn’t say anything about dating. Since I can admit that I’m not over Ms. X, I can also admit that I’m not in the mental state to date anyone else. I’m fine being by myself and don’t really need go through the motions in order to feel fulfilled.

Conclusion

For the most part, I wrote this article as a cathartic way to examine some of the emotions that are running through my head. Like I said, I wasn’t sure if I would post this on my site. But my hope is maybe someone out there will get value from this experience.

And if nobody likes this post? Well, that’s fine with me. I feel like it’s important to sometimes write for yourself rather than for an audience.

I tried to be clever with my title of How to Lose a Girl in 14 Months.” However the truth is I didn’t lose her. We lost each other a long time ago.

Anyone who reads this post will have a different romantic situation. Some will be happily married. Others will be un-happily married. A few will be in great relationships—While some will be seeking that special someone.

No matter what situation you find yourself in, I hope you gained a little bit of value from this post. Instead of bitching and moaning about this failed relationship, I choose a different path— a path that’ll help me grow as a man.

The “take-away” from this post is to embrace the importance of self-growth. When faced with a painful experience you have two choices: You could choose to live your life or… you could let it destroy you.

What is your choice?

Take Action. Get Results.



{ 20 comments }

Ralph

I think that a lot of problems come from confusing love and passion. Passion is a feeling. It comes and goes, runs hot and cold. Love is a commitment. It isn’t easy. It isn’t fun. In the long run, though, it is all that matters.

Maria

This was very touching Steve, sorry, but it was. Love doesn’t keep a relationship working, it helps but when you lose the trust, things are never the same again.

A very open and honest post, I’m sure with your determination you will be ok.

Steve Scott

@Ralph- Definitely agree with your comments. I think a big mistake I made was confusing love for passion. I do agree that true love does require a commitment…and I think down the road this experience will give me the understanding to give 110% in the next relationship I’m in.

@Maria- You’re right. Once trust is gone, you might as well pack your bags and move on. Anyway, thanks for your comment. Like I said, I’m not sure how it would go over…

Lees Shizzle

All I can say is Wow. Now I know why you wanted me to change the pic last week. I was doing fine with the reading but as I scrolled down I saw the “goodbye’” heart. That is a powerful image to such a transparent post.
And don’t think that I meant doing fine and then disliked the post once I saw the image. What I mean is when I saw the heart, it took me back to the last relationship I was in and I finally had to admit it was over. It’s never easy, takes a huge amount of energy and getting honest w/each other. Growth is painful in these areas of life. Don’t let the obstacle get you blindsided from your goals you have now. Thanks for the disclosure. Stay positive and keep on keepin on. This too shall pass.

Steve Scott

Thanks for the comment. It means a lot. Yes, it’s actually pretty hard to move on from here. But actually one of the main reasons that I started this site was because of this break-up. So I might look back in a few years and realize that this could have been the greatest thing to happen to me.

Paul

Steve,

A wonderfully frank and honest post. If people think bad of you for speaking the truth, then they’re not your friends and they’re the wrong company for you.

I agree with the majority of what you’ve said, however, #2 I have some reservations but I’ve thoroughly enjoy the post. Not because you’ve separated from your girl friend of 14 months but because of you’re honesty and having the balls to make what must have been a huge decision.

Regards

Paul

Karen

Hi Scott,

I thought that this was a very brave thing to do – so thank you for writing such an honest and thought-provoking article. I think sometimes that deep down we realize that the person we are with is toxic for us, but due to not wanting to be alone or just taking the easier way, we stay in relationships that should have ended long ago.

This is the first step to honouring who you are. It’s great that you are filling the ‘void’ with positive things and not wallowing. Breaking up a 14-month relationship is hard, but life is long. One of the things that I’ve learned with breakups that it has to be a clean break with no communication on either side for a minimum six months. Otherwise, the old feeling will just suck you back in and you’ll think that it wasn’t so bad. It’s important to remember why you broke up in the first place.

I also really like that you took half the blame in the relationship and didn’t rant on your ex on a public forum. That shows a lot of maturity.

Good luck and stay strong.

Karen

Steve Scott

@Paul- Thanks. I do think it really is about being honest with yourself and knowing when something just isn’t going to work. I think the two of us tried our best, but it simply wasn’t enough.

@Karen- Yes, I agree that we probably should have ended awhile back, but neither of us wanted it to be completely over. I also agree about the “no communication” comment. That’s one of the major reasons I’m going to travel for awhile. I’m literally setting up a situation where there is NO chance that we can speak. Maybe when I come back we’ll be in a position to be friends, but it won’t work now.

Anyway, thanks for checking out my site and commenting…I’ll be sure to stop by yours.

Linda

I think you’re amazingly open and enjoy following your journey.

Justin

I absolutely loved your honesty. Bravo my friend.

David Black

Mental and physical attraction – you hit the nail on the head right there Steve.
.-= David Black´s last blog ..How To Date An Older Woman (Cougar Dating) =-.

Steve Scott

I’ve definitely learned that both are absolutely critical.

Mayra

Hi David, Age is not an indicator of wisdom. There are women in their 20 who are wise just like there are women in their 50s who are like school children. Wisdom not age is what we should seek. God bless!

Mayra

Hello Steve, good to meet you on Twitter!

I read your article and I think it’s beautiful that you are able to express your true feelings and share your experience. I think that the biggest lesson humanity is yet to learn is what Love truly is. Love is a tough teacher that usually gives the test before the lesson you need to learn. Love is the most beautiful and powerful emotion known to man. It encompasses all things that are beautiful right and wrong. What most people live under is the Illusion that Love is only supposed to be amazing and everything a dream we will never want to walk away from.

True love is reality not a fairy tale. True love is not one sided it really means for better or for worse. The lesson we all need to learn is that only two people who are connected at all levels, mentally, physically, and spiritually can enjoy the true gift of love which is to feel loved knowing that person is going to be with you no matter what because that person brings not only passion and excitement but intelligence and trust into your life. You both make each other better even thought you both are far from perfect. But we don’t learn that by someone telling it us, we learn it by choosing the wrong person and living the misery of it. Unfortunately that is how human beings learn. You are right in that choosing choosing the wrong person is about self- growth only designed to wake you up and make you realize what truly matters in a relationship.

I am speaking from personal experience here. I chose to be the wrong type of men for me my entire life. I did not know what love truly was. In my case I thought it was always miserable, I never thought there was anything good about it because of everything I had experience. When I chose to finally leave the relationship I was in and focus on getting to know who I was and what I wanted in life everything changed. My whole life has changed in ways I never knew possible. My personal lesson was that I needed to know who God was, what He meant to me, and allow Him to lead the way. Today I’m a happy woman who does not need a man to complete me but to compliment me. A man who has the wisdom to recognize the importance of physical attraction, passion, and excitement in a relationship but not at the expense of peace, happiness, and success in all things. That wisdom is critical to be able to enjoy at least 70% of the happiness true love has to offer. In essence life will never be perfect even with the right person, but it will be good. To awakened ppl are a blessing to love and themselves.

I think 2010 is proving to be a WAKE UP TO LOVE year for humanity.

Steve Scott

Mayra,

Thank you for such a thought provoking comment. It definitely made me remember a lot of things that I went through when I initially wrote this. Fortunately, I’ve managed to get a series of lessons from this experience which has made me a much better person today.

Glad to see that you’ve also grown from the darker periods in your life.

Anyway, thanks again for stopping by!

Mayra

You’re welcome Steve! the whole point of suffering is to teach us to become better people. When we are able to see the truth love becomes a beautiful teacher. May your life be blessed now and always!

Thinkingtoohard

Authenticity appeals to everyone. We relate to what is real. This post was brave, honest, forthright and educational. You may find it’s one of your most popular.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but you’ve obviously learned quite a bit.
.-= Thinkingtoohard´s last blog ..Leave the door ajar =-.

Steve Scott

Thanks for the kind words… it actually seems to resonate with a lot of people. Even thought I’ve past it now, I feel that somebody out there will maybe learn something from the hard lessons I learned during this period of my life.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by my site. Feel free to come back anytime!

arycia

thank u for your story
I want just to tel tou tha this phrase will help me in my life

admit your mistake then move on

my problem is thah I can’t forgot my past and my mistakes

so thank you for this senten it will encourag me

Steve Scott

Arycia,

It can be hard to move on. No doubt about it. But as I am sure you know, it is worth it when you are able to!

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